It's almost like I have all the time to do what ever I want. It's summer time, I'm a teenager, and there's no summer school for me because I'm so decently smart.
I turned 16 eighteen days ago, and yet I still haven't taken my driver's license.
I reluctantly went to a camp for four days and found out that I really enjoy sports. But I can't play sports because I've never been on a team, don't have a gym class, and don't have any friends (as of now).
My mom is dating a famous (in the state) _____ coach and he could teach me if they ever actually marry.
Right now, I can do anything. And it's like I have no time to do it.
I sleep, of course. That takes up about 7-8 hours if I don't sleep in. I eat, I read my Bible, I drink tea, I pray, and I read and write. Maybe I'll do some random things on my computer (FaceBook, picture editing, posting stuff, replying to people, etc.) or maybe I'll read for a while. Then, if it's a good day outside, I'll lay in the sun and soak up that two hours of beauty half-sleep. I might water the garden as well, and get the mail.
Now I always put "Workout" on my to-do list, but never end up getting around to it. Is playing a game really more important than removing toxic waste by sweating for a little bit? : /
THEN I'll write for a few hours, eat eat eating, maybe edit something, work on finishing a bracelet, and if it's time to have a bath, I'll have a really hot, steaming bath. :)
I'll try to drink lots of water and eat healthy. Stupid mom, buying stupid ice cream...
My dad and I planned to write my resume two months ago. Is it even started on?
No.
I don't have enough time, when I have all the time in a day. I can't stay up all night because that's unhealthy and my batteries just die when I hit two a.m.
Ugh, this is so infuriating. :(
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Twenty Minutes of Solid Laughing
Okay, this is no joke. Twenty minutes of solid laughing, and craughing, so let me tell you why I experienced this gasping-for-air moment.
Let me keep you in suspense a little more; I wish I had a video camera in my eyes and an audio recorder in my ears. You could never understand it otherwise, but let me try my best to explain.
So my mom comes home around 11:30pm or so, bearing gifts for her two-days-absence. She buys us movies (even a 60$ Harry Potter complete movie series), clothes (we're going to a camp which has a strict policy/law/code), and some... junk food (crescents, doughnuts, macaroni and cheese --for my pasta-loving brother, etc.) Grrrr I ate one doughnut, and I didn't even deserve it! My mom needs a few hundred frugal lectures.
So by now, it's 11:40pm. I've been wanting to get to bed and finish with my computer time. I forget how it even started... but I began to laugh at something. Yes, but something small that would've become humorless the next minute.
Then, all of a sudden, my brother (he's the oldest of my two younger siblings) starts to imitate me. He's done it before, but to my mother. So I was surprised when he started to copy me. This is the part where he laughs like me, copies my gestures and body positions, and tends to over-exaggerate on the whole thing. And maybe add in a few things of his own.
A few things about him: He's really camera shy, he's 14, his voice cracks when he makes funny voices and I love it, and he's super good-looking. (Always has been, now that I think about it.) The only downfall about him is that he has aspergers. He's normal! Just has a different point of view in life and doesn't understand things like I do. Plus he can be really really annoying.
So here I am, hunching over in my baggy shirt because I have no bra on (I was expecting to go back to bed), wishing for my camera (but feel stuck to get it; afraid to leave because the funny stuff might leave, or he'll stop when I record), and desperately laughing my face off.
You could never understand. He makes the weirdest faces, exaggeratedly copying my face, and does an amazing job at imitating my gestures. I literally cried more than twenty tears.
Maybe I'll holding onto the bottom of my shirt, he's doing the same. I'm hunching over, he's doing the same. Oh my goodness, I cannot explain! Whenever I think about it's freaking hilarious.
The way he moves his body when he copies me is just hilarious.
My other brother got my mom's phone and did a somewhat horrible job at recording, but he caught my brother smashing his head on the box of crescents. <<(one of the best moments)
My laughing was really weird, too. It was like a combination of screaming, gasping, sobbing, and laughing (that's when I've been laughing for awhile). My jaw was pretty much locked slightly open, so ten minutes later it's like, shivering/vibrating. He even imitated that! I feel like I'm gonna pee, but that ends and now I'm gonna puke. Tears are running down my face, my mom watches us cracking up, which makes it even funnier, and augh!!!!!!!!!
I cannot cannot cannot explain! I wish he would do this in PUBLIC. He would become famous on Youtube or a famous comedian if he just imitated me (or my mom) laughing. He would get a large audience roaring!
Not this time, but all the other times, my brother would copy anything we said in a very very hilarious voice. It gets us laughing again, and he starts to imitate us, and then it's just a huge cycle.
I'm sorry I can't describe this well, but I wanted to write this down.
This never gets old. It's not like an over-used joke. It's fresh every time he does it.
I swear, I can really hate and really love this guy. I wish he'd just mature already and smarten up. He's literally had girls chasing after him. Once he was the only male at girl's birthday party. LOL
Anyway, I'm glad if you read this. Just another random update, but the twenty-solid-minute highlight of my day.
Let me keep you in suspense a little more; I wish I had a video camera in my eyes and an audio recorder in my ears. You could never understand it otherwise, but let me try my best to explain.
So my mom comes home around 11:30pm or so, bearing gifts for her two-days-absence. She buys us movies (even a 60$ Harry Potter complete movie series), clothes (we're going to a camp which has a strict policy/law/code), and some... junk food (crescents, doughnuts, macaroni and cheese --for my pasta-loving brother, etc.) Grrrr I ate one doughnut, and I didn't even deserve it! My mom needs a few hundred frugal lectures.
So by now, it's 11:40pm. I've been wanting to get to bed and finish with my computer time. I forget how it even started... but I began to laugh at something. Yes, but something small that would've become humorless the next minute.
Then, all of a sudden, my brother (he's the oldest of my two younger siblings) starts to imitate me. He's done it before, but to my mother. So I was surprised when he started to copy me. This is the part where he laughs like me, copies my gestures and body positions, and tends to over-exaggerate on the whole thing. And maybe add in a few things of his own.
A few things about him: He's really camera shy, he's 14, his voice cracks when he makes funny voices and I love it, and he's super good-looking. (Always has been, now that I think about it.) The only downfall about him is that he has aspergers. He's normal! Just has a different point of view in life and doesn't understand things like I do. Plus he can be really really annoying.
So here I am, hunching over in my baggy shirt because I have no bra on (I was expecting to go back to bed), wishing for my camera (but feel stuck to get it; afraid to leave because the funny stuff might leave, or he'll stop when I record), and desperately laughing my face off.
You could never understand. He makes the weirdest faces, exaggeratedly copying my face, and does an amazing job at imitating my gestures. I literally cried more than twenty tears.
Maybe I'll holding onto the bottom of my shirt, he's doing the same. I'm hunching over, he's doing the same. Oh my goodness, I cannot explain! Whenever I think about it's freaking hilarious.
The way he moves his body when he copies me is just hilarious.
My other brother got my mom's phone and did a somewhat horrible job at recording, but he caught my brother smashing his head on the box of crescents. <<(one of the best moments)
My laughing was really weird, too. It was like a combination of screaming, gasping, sobbing, and laughing (that's when I've been laughing for awhile). My jaw was pretty much locked slightly open, so ten minutes later it's like, shivering/vibrating. He even imitated that! I feel like I'm gonna pee, but that ends and now I'm gonna puke. Tears are running down my face, my mom watches us cracking up, which makes it even funnier, and augh!!!!!!!!!
I cannot cannot cannot explain! I wish he would do this in PUBLIC. He would become famous on Youtube or a famous comedian if he just imitated me (or my mom) laughing. He would get a large audience roaring!
Not this time, but all the other times, my brother would copy anything we said in a very very hilarious voice. It gets us laughing again, and he starts to imitate us, and then it's just a huge cycle.
I'm sorry I can't describe this well, but I wanted to write this down.
This never gets old. It's not like an over-used joke. It's fresh every time he does it.
I swear, I can really hate and really love this guy. I wish he'd just mature already and smarten up. He's literally had girls chasing after him. Once he was the only male at girl's birthday party. LOL
Anyway, I'm glad if you read this. Just another random update, but the twenty-solid-minute highlight of my day.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Xena: Warrior Princess!
I don't know if anybody knows yet, but I used to be a lesbian. Let's just throw that out the window of a New York skyscraper and let it fall into the hands of the public eye. I say I used to be, but let's leave that story for another undecided future post.
So one day in late 2011, I'm looking up lesbian movies and shows. I tried the L-Word, it got boring and weird after the seventh episode or so. I watched Elena Undone on Netflix and got in huge trouble because of the cool "Recently Watched" idea. Then I turned to Youtube and found shows in other languages and that got kind of boring. So, I look up suggestions other people had on the internet. Somehow I find Xena: Warrior Princess, and start watching that on Netflix. No, I didn't get in trouble that time. I actually watched a few episodes with my parents in the same room.
I fall in love with Xena like, the first episode. Lucy Lawless is FREAKING GORGEOUS. I'm not just saying that from a lesbian point of view. (Like I said, I'm not lesbian anymore, but at this time I was.) I am saying that because SHE'S FREAKING GORGEOUS. Augh!!!!! I will never get over it! Her eyes, her face, everything! That sounds creepy... but I have a point!
Because I was a lesbian at the time, I'll have to write in that point of view.
I loved Xena and Gabrielle's relationship. Although the random love interests they have are just stupid (especially Gabrielle's). I do not understand, though. They love each other so dearly and sincerely, but why do they kiss each other on the lips?? AND WHY AT GABRIELLE'S WEDDING?! I was mad, because that was the first time they kissed. They were leaving each other/breaking apart because Gabrielle fell in love with (some guy at Troy, I believe). By golly, I am SO glad he died! (How cruel... NOT!)
I'm gonna jump ahead to Gabrielle's hair getting cut. I love the way it happened, (kind of like a Sakura way--- Naruto drama) but I wasn't completely shocked. I had looked up pictures of the characters before, and almost cried when I saw her hair cut so short. You get used to it after awhile into the show...
Xena's voice. I love that too. I love Gabrielle's stubbornness and Xena's stubbornness.
Although that one episode where they are like, fighting because they hate each other SO much. I didn't understand that one...
LOL, it was probably killing all the lesbian fans! I researched and the directors purposefully added hints of stuff because it was popular with the lesbians.
Anyway, I anticipated every kiss they shared because THERE WERE SO FEW!!!!!!! After a long time, I kinda gave up on the show. I don't remember why... but it just happened. I only got a couple episodes into Season 5 I think.
Now I keep yearning to watch it again! I actually started it from Season 1 Episode 1 this last Saturday (I've been making bracelets while watching-- I'm no lazy-ass).
I tend to get excited over little things between Xena and Gabrielle (although I stop myself because I wish not to be lesbian), and mad whenever there's a stupid love interest... and I keep admiring Lucy Lawless! If I could see her in person, I would cry from the angelic light that would radiate off of her.
I feel bad for Joxer as well. I think he's so cute sometimes. (Not exactly in looks, but in personality and actions.) He's a funny guy... too bad he fell in love with Gabrielle. I haven't seen much past Season 5, so I can't really say much more.
Oh my goodness, I laughed my pants off when Gabrielle got drunk (she drank some weird potion I think). I can't wait for that episode!
And now that I'm watching the series again, it's like I remember all the episodes. "Oh yeah, this one's about..." Hehe, sometimes I get future episodes messed up with Season 1 episodes. Some of them are pretty similar, eh?
Anyway, XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS is a favourite show just because it's something I watched and really enjoyed. It's actually great for it's time. I don't exactly care for all the "gods" stuff because I'm a Christian. But at least I know the truth, right? Good.
Thanks for reading my take on XWP!
So one day in late 2011, I'm looking up lesbian movies and shows. I tried the L-Word, it got boring and weird after the seventh episode or so. I watched Elena Undone on Netflix and got in huge trouble because of the cool "Recently Watched" idea. Then I turned to Youtube and found shows in other languages and that got kind of boring. So, I look up suggestions other people had on the internet. Somehow I find Xena: Warrior Princess, and start watching that on Netflix. No, I didn't get in trouble that time. I actually watched a few episodes with my parents in the same room.
I fall in love with Xena like, the first episode. Lucy Lawless is FREAKING GORGEOUS. I'm not just saying that from a lesbian point of view. (Like I said, I'm not lesbian anymore, but at this time I was.) I am saying that because SHE'S FREAKING GORGEOUS. Augh!!!!! I will never get over it! Her eyes, her face, everything! That sounds creepy... but I have a point!
Because I was a lesbian at the time, I'll have to write in that point of view.
I loved Xena and Gabrielle's relationship. Although the random love interests they have are just stupid (especially Gabrielle's). I do not understand, though. They love each other so dearly and sincerely, but why do they kiss each other on the lips?? AND WHY AT GABRIELLE'S WEDDING?! I was mad, because that was the first time they kissed. They were leaving each other/breaking apart because Gabrielle fell in love with (some guy at Troy, I believe). By golly, I am SO glad he died! (How cruel... NOT!)
I'm gonna jump ahead to Gabrielle's hair getting cut. I love the way it happened, (kind of like a Sakura way--- Naruto drama) but I wasn't completely shocked. I had looked up pictures of the characters before, and almost cried when I saw her hair cut so short. You get used to it after awhile into the show...
Xena's voice. I love that too. I love Gabrielle's stubbornness and Xena's stubbornness.
Although that one episode where they are like, fighting because they hate each other SO much. I didn't understand that one...
LOL, it was probably killing all the lesbian fans! I researched and the directors purposefully added hints of stuff because it was popular with the lesbians.
Anyway, I anticipated every kiss they shared because THERE WERE SO FEW!!!!!!! After a long time, I kinda gave up on the show. I don't remember why... but it just happened. I only got a couple episodes into Season 5 I think.
Now I keep yearning to watch it again! I actually started it from Season 1 Episode 1 this last Saturday (I've been making bracelets while watching-- I'm no lazy-ass).
I tend to get excited over little things between Xena and Gabrielle (although I stop myself because I wish not to be lesbian), and mad whenever there's a stupid love interest... and I keep admiring Lucy Lawless! If I could see her in person, I would cry from the angelic light that would radiate off of her.
I feel bad for Joxer as well. I think he's so cute sometimes. (Not exactly in looks, but in personality and actions.) He's a funny guy... too bad he fell in love with Gabrielle. I haven't seen much past Season 5, so I can't really say much more.
Oh my goodness, I laughed my pants off when Gabrielle got drunk (she drank some weird potion I think). I can't wait for that episode!
And now that I'm watching the series again, it's like I remember all the episodes. "Oh yeah, this one's about..." Hehe, sometimes I get future episodes messed up with Season 1 episodes. Some of them are pretty similar, eh?
Anyway, XENA: WARRIOR PRINCESS is a favourite show just because it's something I watched and really enjoyed. It's actually great for it's time. I don't exactly care for all the "gods" stuff because I'm a Christian. But at least I know the truth, right? Good.
Thanks for reading my take on XWP!
Saturday, June 15, 2013
The "New" Paramore?
Okay, a little background on my favourite bands:
I started listening to Evanescence when I was 10 or 11. I remember first hearing them... I was watching an anime AMV (Mew Mew Power) and the song was Going Under. I loved everything about it. Also, although I didn't know it was Evanescence at first, Bring Me to Life was on my mom's mp3 player and I heard it a few times.
Later on, my mother found Going Under on a CD I had made. She was upset... but kept playing the CD to find other songs like it. Then she found Sweet Sacrifice (Evanescence).
My excuse was "I just like the beat", because before I was an acapella and trailer music fanatic. Plus I beat boxed. So I was playing innocence on this one.
She scolded me and forbade me from listening to this music, although she gave me my CD back. I drew skulls with bones in an X shape on the CD in permanent marker. I didn't play it for a while.
When I got a new iPod Shuffle (the older version) for my 12th birthday, I really really started listening to music. MY music. I opened up to Evanescence again, and fell completely in love.
Remember when my mom found those songs on my CD? We were in the car heading to my Grandmother's. My uncle was known for listening to music, so my mom told him the situation. He wrote on a sticky note: "Flyleaf". He said the singer was female, so I would like them. That note stayed in my vest-coat pocket for years.
When I was around 13-14, I tried to remember what band he had suggested. I tried looking them up, remembering the name started with an "f". Google suggested Fireflight to me. I thought I was right, and listened to them.
When I started 9th grade, I made a new friend and she sent me a message on Facebook; a link to Flyleaf's "Fully Alive". I fell in love all over again.
NOW ONTO THE MAIN SUBJECT:
If you've seen my other posts, you know that I'm a huge music junkie. :P
I don't remember the first song of Paramore that I listened to, but I remember going through every song after hearing to them. (This was sometime early in 9th grade, but after Flyleaf.) I fell in love once again.
I've been listening to Paramore ever since then (it's been almost two years).
I loved Hayley's voice; how it was so simple, but she made it so unique with the way she sang.
I classify Paramore as my 3rd favourite band (and that's saying something).
Hayley really started to inspire me to sing. Sure, Amy Lee (Evanescence) did too, but it would take forever for me to reach her amazing voice level! And I'm not positive I could match Lacey Mosley's (Flyleaf) complete uniqueness. Hayley would still be hard to match, but would definitely be easier than the others.
Soon after, I found a few websites arguing which singer was better. I couldn't believe it! First of all: they were talking about my top favourite singers in the same post, and second: how could they compare them?! They're on the same level to me, but all unique in every single way.
So this year, I was super excited to see that Paramore was coming about with a new album. When I first saw the "Now" video, I was distraught. (I have seen pictures of Hayley's hair before, but...) I was completely horrified! What's with the "Now, now, now, now, now, now now!" and her makeup?! I accept the makeup, but it was a shock at first. I don't think I could ever appreciate her new hair though...
Then I went a whole month without music. (See previous posts for an explanation.)
I went to look at CDs in Walmart, and found the new Paramore album. I looked at the song list on the back and got really excited. So a few days ago, I checkout out their "Still Into You" video.
I have to tell the truth. I cried throughout the whole thing. The whole time I was thinking, "who is this?", "why?", "what happened, Hayley?", "the beginning looks like some pop princess video", "did the producer force this?", "her hair!!", "what's with her painted legs?", "why is the nature of this song so off?", and "how dare they name this album 'Paramore'!"
So after, I listened to the complete album on Youtube. For a few songs, I thought they were trying to get the 90's back into style. Then the ukulele thing made me think they went to Hawaii. Then I thought that Hayley was making her voice trail into the 40's or 50's or something. I couldn't stop crying!
Looking at the comments, I noticed that Paramore only released two albums previous to this one. Okay...
But their style... their SOUND is SO familiar, I could definitely tell if a song was Paramore's without Hayley singing. But now I'm confused and saddened and have a BROKEN HEART! I understand why they have a new style, but..... why? Me, and millions of other people, would still love them to death if they hadn't changed. I'm sure with this new album, they might've been dropped by a few people.
Music is sacred to me, so I'll never drop Paramore. I only like three songs out of their whole new album... and I will forever listen to their past music.
Evanescence had a new album October 2012, and their sound didn't change!
Flyleaf recently had a new album and their sound didn't change!
I'm sure they both got thousands of CDs sold!!!
The thing is, Lacey Mosley left Flyleaf to be with her family. My heart got broken, although I still understood why she left. I respect her. But the new singer? No. Never can she be compared to Lacey. NEVER.
This is one loss. Now Paramore? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO EVERYTHING I LOVE!?!!?!??!
This is two tragic losses in less than six months. My heart is bruised, torn, and stabbed.
Honestly, I can't wait for future albums... just to see how much more they'll change.
A song I wrote while sadly listening to the "new" Paramore:
You've Changed
I shouldn't cry anymore;
There's no worth in it.
And I sing lullabies,
To the deaf who listen...
I will never change
The ways I sing.
Others who have,
Broke many hearts...
Mine is the evidence.
You've changed! You've changed.
You've morphed into the rest;
You're no longer the best!
And that's what I think.
Did they suck you dry?
Is all your blood in a single fly?
What a disease!
They put it into you.
They destroyed what you used to be!
You speak about the future,
But you sound like the past--
You sound like the past in my ears...
And they cry, they cry,
Even when I sing my lullabies!
I will never change
The ways I sing.
Others who have,
Broke many hearts...
Mine is the evidence.
Ahhh, this is the sound of a helpless,
Broken heart!
Ahhhh....
Broken heart...
And for that, I will never change!
I respect Paramore with all of my heart. But they broke it. I still love them... but WHY did they change? They didn't have to! If it were up to me, they wouldn't have. But I can't control that...
(Please no stealing my song! I might be able to use it in the future.)
I started listening to Evanescence when I was 10 or 11. I remember first hearing them... I was watching an anime AMV (Mew Mew Power) and the song was Going Under. I loved everything about it. Also, although I didn't know it was Evanescence at first, Bring Me to Life was on my mom's mp3 player and I heard it a few times.
Later on, my mother found Going Under on a CD I had made. She was upset... but kept playing the CD to find other songs like it. Then she found Sweet Sacrifice (Evanescence).
My excuse was "I just like the beat", because before I was an acapella and trailer music fanatic. Plus I beat boxed. So I was playing innocence on this one.
She scolded me and forbade me from listening to this music, although she gave me my CD back. I drew skulls with bones in an X shape on the CD in permanent marker. I didn't play it for a while.
When I got a new iPod Shuffle (the older version) for my 12th birthday, I really really started listening to music. MY music. I opened up to Evanescence again, and fell completely in love.
Remember when my mom found those songs on my CD? We were in the car heading to my Grandmother's. My uncle was known for listening to music, so my mom told him the situation. He wrote on a sticky note: "Flyleaf". He said the singer was female, so I would like them. That note stayed in my vest-coat pocket for years.
When I was around 13-14, I tried to remember what band he had suggested. I tried looking them up, remembering the name started with an "f". Google suggested Fireflight to me. I thought I was right, and listened to them.
When I started 9th grade, I made a new friend and she sent me a message on Facebook; a link to Flyleaf's "Fully Alive". I fell in love all over again.
NOW ONTO THE MAIN SUBJECT:
If you've seen my other posts, you know that I'm a huge music junkie. :P
I don't remember the first song of Paramore that I listened to, but I remember going through every song after hearing to them. (This was sometime early in 9th grade, but after Flyleaf.) I fell in love once again.
I've been listening to Paramore ever since then (it's been almost two years).
I loved Hayley's voice; how it was so simple, but she made it so unique with the way she sang.
I classify Paramore as my 3rd favourite band (and that's saying something).
Hayley really started to inspire me to sing. Sure, Amy Lee (Evanescence) did too, but it would take forever for me to reach her amazing voice level! And I'm not positive I could match Lacey Mosley's (Flyleaf) complete uniqueness. Hayley would still be hard to match, but would definitely be easier than the others.
Soon after, I found a few websites arguing which singer was better. I couldn't believe it! First of all: they were talking about my top favourite singers in the same post, and second: how could they compare them?! They're on the same level to me, but all unique in every single way.
So this year, I was super excited to see that Paramore was coming about with a new album. When I first saw the "Now" video, I was distraught. (I have seen pictures of Hayley's hair before, but...) I was completely horrified! What's with the "Now, now, now, now, now, now now!" and her makeup?! I accept the makeup, but it was a shock at first. I don't think I could ever appreciate her new hair though...
Then I went a whole month without music. (See previous posts for an explanation.)
I went to look at CDs in Walmart, and found the new Paramore album. I looked at the song list on the back and got really excited. So a few days ago, I checkout out their "Still Into You" video.
I have to tell the truth. I cried throughout the whole thing. The whole time I was thinking, "who is this?", "why?", "what happened, Hayley?", "the beginning looks like some pop princess video", "did the producer force this?", "her hair!!", "what's with her painted legs?", "why is the nature of this song so off?", and "how dare they name this album 'Paramore'!"
So after, I listened to the complete album on Youtube. For a few songs, I thought they were trying to get the 90's back into style. Then the ukulele thing made me think they went to Hawaii. Then I thought that Hayley was making her voice trail into the 40's or 50's or something. I couldn't stop crying!
Looking at the comments, I noticed that Paramore only released two albums previous to this one. Okay...
But their style... their SOUND is SO familiar, I could definitely tell if a song was Paramore's without Hayley singing. But now I'm confused and saddened and have a BROKEN HEART! I understand why they have a new style, but..... why? Me, and millions of other people, would still love them to death if they hadn't changed. I'm sure with this new album, they might've been dropped by a few people.
Music is sacred to me, so I'll never drop Paramore. I only like three songs out of their whole new album... and I will forever listen to their past music.
Evanescence had a new album October 2012, and their sound didn't change!
Flyleaf recently had a new album and their sound didn't change!
I'm sure they both got thousands of CDs sold!!!
The thing is, Lacey Mosley left Flyleaf to be with her family. My heart got broken, although I still understood why she left. I respect her. But the new singer? No. Never can she be compared to Lacey. NEVER.
This is one loss. Now Paramore? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO EVERYTHING I LOVE!?!!?!??!
This is two tragic losses in less than six months. My heart is bruised, torn, and stabbed.
Honestly, I can't wait for future albums... just to see how much more they'll change.
A song I wrote while sadly listening to the "new" Paramore:
You've Changed
I shouldn't cry anymore;
There's no worth in it.
And I sing lullabies,
To the deaf who listen...
I will never change
The ways I sing.
Others who have,
Broke many hearts...
Mine is the evidence.
You've changed! You've changed.
You've morphed into the rest;
You're no longer the best!
And that's what I think.
Did they suck you dry?
Is all your blood in a single fly?
What a disease!
They put it into you.
They destroyed what you used to be!
You speak about the future,
But you sound like the past--
You sound like the past in my ears...
And they cry, they cry,
Even when I sing my lullabies!
I will never change
The ways I sing.
Others who have,
Broke many hearts...
Mine is the evidence.
Ahhh, this is the sound of a helpless,
Broken heart!
Ahhhh....
Broken heart...
And for that, I will never change!
I respect Paramore with all of my heart. But they broke it. I still love them... but WHY did they change? They didn't have to! If it were up to me, they wouldn't have. But I can't control that...
(Please no stealing my song! I might be able to use it in the future.)
Friday, June 14, 2013
DEPRESSION
I think I should post a... post... about DEPRESSION.
I'm gonna have to cut a lot out of this post due to countless personal experiences contributing to this subject.
Music can be depressing, right? I could name a lot of bands out there.
Music releases a chemical in the brain called: "dopamine". Dopamine is the 'feel-good' chemical, released also when doing drugs, playing video games, and crying. (That's what I've personally researched so far.)
I'm gonna throw this out there. I used to cut myself.
Whenever I did, I would listen to the most depressing music I knew of. The stuff that made me cry even harder. I'm in love with music, so I'm really addicted to this 'dopamine'. Music is my drug. Crying is also something I "love" to do. It's not often, but I still love a good cry.
Maybe all of this dopamine caused me to think I was also in love with my depression?
I'm not exactly sure of the relevance of depression and dopamine, or if they could even be related.
But I'm positive that I thought I was in love with my depression.
"Motions and Memories"
Dying is the only way,
Dying is my wish today.
This, my eyes, is clearly truth,
I should turn my own life loose.
Remove motions, memories;
Please, do listen, to my pleas.
I hate fear and selfishness,
I get up and have to dress...
Call my name, just one last time;
We glide forever in the chimes.
Through the motions, memories,
I climb up to all my pleas...
And tell the light,
What I think is right.
And flea from my self-pity.
"Gone"
I hate you
I hate you so much
I'm gonna cut you
I'm gonna fuck you
And that's all I hear
I'm blind and I can only hear
She won't leave me
And the only way
Is if she dies
So I have to die
No one will step up to the plate
To shoot me down
The rage keeps on coming
I'll do it myself then
It's too much to take
And she says,
I'll do it for you
But make it look like suicide
I'm not stupid
I'm not stupid
I'm not stupid
I'm not stupid
So I realized,
I am mental
I am crazy
I am gone, lost
"Death, My Love"
Why is life like this?
Death close enough to kiss...
I've been wanting to say;
I don't have the choice to stay.
Death is my love,
And I need to go.
I want to dream,
But life destroys hope.
"White to black",
Sings the feat.
"Crawling back,
No time to bleed."
Death comes home,
It's time to go.
I love my blood,
I hate you all.
Fighting's not what's worth the chance.
I won't decide with a second glance.
Keep me here, you try to do.
But holding me, will just hurt you.
The sun is high, but soon will set.
Burning flesh, my nose has met.
Oh, I don't want to live,
But I don't want to die!
Please leave me be,
Please say goodbye!
"Cry of Addiction"
A knife I have borrowed,
To my wrist it persues.
Its ridges cut shallow,
No blood does come through.
It still hurts like hell,
But it's better than words.
They come deep from my throat,
And spread out to slurs.
The knife cuts my wrist,
My hand controls this.
When I feel done
And my pain has won,
I lick my own wounds,
I make them sing.
But nothing is worse,
Than a lemon's sting.
So I squeeze the juice
To make physical abuse;
It's like ten times more
Than that of before.
I don't want to stop,
It's like some addiction.
I breathe in and out,
But my life's like a fiction.
So I take the knife,
I cut and I cry.
But it's better than words,
Even when lies.
These poems reveal much. (I wrote them, so please: no republishing without giving credit to me and a link to my blog.) But they don't scream that I was "in love" with my depression.
I went through all my stuff... but really, I remember thinking that I was. That I loved cutting. That I loved the feeling of a broken heart... even if I broke it myself.
Depression has roots of hundreds of reasons. Mine started with extreme guilt.
I've grown up in a Christian family. We went to church, pretended that our life was okay with warm smiles and greetings, etc. (I say that because recently my parents divorced-- it was Biblical, though.)
I had to pretend to pretend. I had to lie. I had to act innocent.
But that was everything I wasn't. In a sense, by seven years old, I lost my virginity. I have few memories about my young childhood... but nothing comes to mind. It's blank. And yet a whole bunch of family members remember when they were three or four!
(A quote from Evanescence's beautiful Understanding):
"You hold the answers deep within your own mind. Obviously, you've forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. We erase it from our memory... but the imprint is always there."
I know something happened. I was innocent once. There's no way I just came up with the undivided attention to s_x and wanting b__bs. Something happened. Someone did something. I faintly remember being baby-sat... my brothers were already in bed, but whoever was baby-sitting me let me stay up to play chess. Of course, I didn't know how to play. He won, and then I had to put my pajamas on. I was bare-naked, searching for my nightgown. I remember it had fallen behind my bed... and I was reaching to get it, but the baby-sitter touched my butt. I laughed, thinking it was some sort of joke.
This memory scares me. It's the faintest one I have. Was it a nightmare? Or is it the only piece I remember of what I've forgotten; whatever my mind has rejected?
Again, I cannot go into great detail. This thing happens to many, many girls and boys around the world. It makes me sick. Where did innocence go?
(Quoting Evanescence's beautiful Field of Innocence):
"I still remember the world, from the eyes of a child. Slowly, those feelings were clouded by what I know now. Where has my heart gone? An uneven trade for the real world! Oh I, I want to go back to: believing in everything, and knowing nothing at all."
"Where has my heart gone? Trapped in the eyes of a stranger!"
This is a truly meaningful song. My favourite lines are: "Where has my heart gone? An uneven trade for the real world!"
It's truth. Now that I have knowledge of this world, I would do anything to erase it. Because now, I'm doing everything to fight it within my mind. And it's so hard.
I can go on and on about depression. I love depressing movies, (usually with bullying, crying, self-abuse [cutting], a nostalgic feeling, and especially mental disorders), I love depressing books, (right now I'm reading "Speak" by Laurie H. Anderson), and I love to write depressing stories. I tried writing a happy one once... it totally didn't turn out. Haha, it just ended up being depressing!
I've stopped cutting myself for over a month now. I read the Bible daily, and I know it says that self-abuse is (let's put it into easy words:) bad. I understand this, and I want to follow this "rule", and I know deep down I'll probably never go back to it.... but there's something inside of me holding on so desperately to cutting. The thought of doing it... the lust of it... the beautiful lace reds... hiding it from people... the sting...
I never ever thought that "I need to do it", or that "I have to do it". It's always been, "I want to do it".
By the way, speaking of mental disorders, when I first realized my depression, I was convinced that I had schizophrenia. I even took online tests, and I scored in the range of the beginnings of it. That dropped when I started to explore more mental disorders. I loved, and am in love, with the idea of them. Later I thought I had a bipolar disorder. Next, it was multiple personalities... and that one stuck the longest. I had reasons behind all of this, but let's just keep my craziness on the down-low. (LOL > too late!)
Please know that I am not trying to get attention or anything. I'm perfectly fine now because I have a Savior in my life. I always have, just wasn't accepting enough.
I wrote this for a friend. And I'm sure others out there might feel the same way as me. I think the best way for one to sympathize/empathize is to have had your own experiences. With this, you can back up giving advice and help to people in need (who maybe don't even want help). <3
I'm gonna have to cut a lot out of this post due to countless personal experiences contributing to this subject.
Music can be depressing, right? I could name a lot of bands out there.
Music releases a chemical in the brain called: "dopamine". Dopamine is the 'feel-good' chemical, released also when doing drugs, playing video games, and crying. (That's what I've personally researched so far.)
I'm gonna throw this out there. I used to cut myself.
Whenever I did, I would listen to the most depressing music I knew of. The stuff that made me cry even harder. I'm in love with music, so I'm really addicted to this 'dopamine'. Music is my drug. Crying is also something I "love" to do. It's not often, but I still love a good cry.
Maybe all of this dopamine caused me to think I was also in love with my depression?
I'm not exactly sure of the relevance of depression and dopamine, or if they could even be related.
But I'm positive that I thought I was in love with my depression.
"Motions and Memories"
Dying is the only way,
Dying is my wish today.
This, my eyes, is clearly truth,
I should turn my own life loose.
Remove motions, memories;
Please, do listen, to my pleas.
I hate fear and selfishness,
I get up and have to dress...
Call my name, just one last time;
We glide forever in the chimes.
Through the motions, memories,
I climb up to all my pleas...
And tell the light,
What I think is right.
And flea from my self-pity.
"Gone"
I hate you
I hate you so much
I'm gonna cut you
I'm gonna fuck you
And that's all I hear
I'm blind and I can only hear
She won't leave me
And the only way
Is if she dies
So I have to die
No one will step up to the plate
To shoot me down
The rage keeps on coming
I'll do it myself then
It's too much to take
And she says,
I'll do it for you
But make it look like suicide
I'm not stupid
I'm not stupid
I'm not stupid
I'm not stupid
So I realized,
I am mental
I am crazy
I am gone, lost
"Death, My Love"
Why is life like this?
Death close enough to kiss...
I've been wanting to say;
I don't have the choice to stay.
Death is my love,
And I need to go.
I want to dream,
But life destroys hope.
"White to black",
Sings the feat.
"Crawling back,
No time to bleed."
Death comes home,
It's time to go.
I love my blood,
I hate you all.
Fighting's not what's worth the chance.
I won't decide with a second glance.
Keep me here, you try to do.
But holding me, will just hurt you.
The sun is high, but soon will set.
Burning flesh, my nose has met.
Oh, I don't want to live,
But I don't want to die!
Please leave me be,
Please say goodbye!
"Cry of Addiction"
A knife I have borrowed,
To my wrist it persues.
Its ridges cut shallow,
No blood does come through.
It still hurts like hell,
But it's better than words.
They come deep from my throat,
And spread out to slurs.
The knife cuts my wrist,
My hand controls this.
When I feel done
And my pain has won,
I lick my own wounds,
I make them sing.
But nothing is worse,
Than a lemon's sting.
So I squeeze the juice
To make physical abuse;
It's like ten times more
Than that of before.
I don't want to stop,
It's like some addiction.
I breathe in and out,
But my life's like a fiction.
So I take the knife,
I cut and I cry.
But it's better than words,
Even when lies.
These poems reveal much. (I wrote them, so please: no republishing without giving credit to me and a link to my blog.) But they don't scream that I was "in love" with my depression.
I went through all my stuff... but really, I remember thinking that I was. That I loved cutting. That I loved the feeling of a broken heart... even if I broke it myself.
Depression has roots of hundreds of reasons. Mine started with extreme guilt.
I've grown up in a Christian family. We went to church, pretended that our life was okay with warm smiles and greetings, etc. (I say that because recently my parents divorced-- it was Biblical, though.)
I had to pretend to pretend. I had to lie. I had to act innocent.
But that was everything I wasn't. In a sense, by seven years old, I lost my virginity. I have few memories about my young childhood... but nothing comes to mind. It's blank. And yet a whole bunch of family members remember when they were three or four!
(A quote from Evanescence's beautiful Understanding):
"You hold the answers deep within your own mind. Obviously, you've forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it. We erase it from our memory... but the imprint is always there."
I know something happened. I was innocent once. There's no way I just came up with the undivided attention to s_x and wanting b__bs. Something happened. Someone did something. I faintly remember being baby-sat... my brothers were already in bed, but whoever was baby-sitting me let me stay up to play chess. Of course, I didn't know how to play. He won, and then I had to put my pajamas on. I was bare-naked, searching for my nightgown. I remember it had fallen behind my bed... and I was reaching to get it, but the baby-sitter touched my butt. I laughed, thinking it was some sort of joke.
This memory scares me. It's the faintest one I have. Was it a nightmare? Or is it the only piece I remember of what I've forgotten; whatever my mind has rejected?
Again, I cannot go into great detail. This thing happens to many, many girls and boys around the world. It makes me sick. Where did innocence go?
(Quoting Evanescence's beautiful Field of Innocence):
"I still remember the world, from the eyes of a child. Slowly, those feelings were clouded by what I know now. Where has my heart gone? An uneven trade for the real world! Oh I, I want to go back to: believing in everything, and knowing nothing at all."
"Where has my heart gone? Trapped in the eyes of a stranger!"
This is a truly meaningful song. My favourite lines are: "Where has my heart gone? An uneven trade for the real world!"
It's truth. Now that I have knowledge of this world, I would do anything to erase it. Because now, I'm doing everything to fight it within my mind. And it's so hard.
I can go on and on about depression. I love depressing movies, (usually with bullying, crying, self-abuse [cutting], a nostalgic feeling, and especially mental disorders), I love depressing books, (right now I'm reading "Speak" by Laurie H. Anderson), and I love to write depressing stories. I tried writing a happy one once... it totally didn't turn out. Haha, it just ended up being depressing!
I've stopped cutting myself for over a month now. I read the Bible daily, and I know it says that self-abuse is (let's put it into easy words:) bad. I understand this, and I want to follow this "rule", and I know deep down I'll probably never go back to it.... but there's something inside of me holding on so desperately to cutting. The thought of doing it... the lust of it... the beautiful lace reds... hiding it from people... the sting...
I never ever thought that "I need to do it", or that "I have to do it". It's always been, "I want to do it".
By the way, speaking of mental disorders, when I first realized my depression, I was convinced that I had schizophrenia. I even took online tests, and I scored in the range of the beginnings of it. That dropped when I started to explore more mental disorders. I loved, and am in love, with the idea of them. Later I thought I had a bipolar disorder. Next, it was multiple personalities... and that one stuck the longest. I had reasons behind all of this, but let's just keep my craziness on the down-low. (LOL > too late!)
Please know that I am not trying to get attention or anything. I'm perfectly fine now because I have a Savior in my life. I always have, just wasn't accepting enough.
I wrote this for a friend. And I'm sure others out there might feel the same way as me. I think the best way for one to sympathize/empathize is to have had your own experiences. With this, you can back up giving advice and help to people in need (who maybe don't even want help). <3
Monday, June 10, 2013
ONE DAY LEFT
Tomorrow will be the last day of going one month without music!
To tell the truth, Saturday night I started listening to music--- only classical, instrumental, piano, and trailer music though! (Trailer music is slang for orchestra/instrumental because some are used in movie trailers. The bands that have pieces used like this, I just pool all of their works into "trailer music".)
I consider "my music" to be the music which expresses emotion with words, and which is a bit more modern.
I guess the same could be for the above named genres, but those I can show to anyone without shame or selfishness.
Yes, I am selfish when it comes to "my music". I don't want people (I know) to listen to it because they would probably think about why I am so in love with the song.
In the end, I don't want them to know my emotions. I don't want them to know how I view myself, and who I truly am. I don't want the way they look at me to change due to my music/interests.
I am ashamed for some of my music, because it can be depressing, angry, or too powerful for them to comprehend. Sometimes, even all the music I listen to is too powerful for me to comprehend, that I break down and cry from overwhelming emotion.
And that, that I love.
Tomorrow night I'll be staying up all the way till the next night, and that will be my first time staying up all night. :) Hehe~
To tell the truth, Saturday night I started listening to music--- only classical, instrumental, piano, and trailer music though! (Trailer music is slang for orchestra/instrumental because some are used in movie trailers. The bands that have pieces used like this, I just pool all of their works into "trailer music".)
I consider "my music" to be the music which expresses emotion with words, and which is a bit more modern.
I guess the same could be for the above named genres, but those I can show to anyone without shame or selfishness.
Yes, I am selfish when it comes to "my music". I don't want people (I know) to listen to it because they would probably think about why I am so in love with the song.
In the end, I don't want them to know my emotions. I don't want them to know how I view myself, and who I truly am. I don't want the way they look at me to change due to my music/interests.
I am ashamed for some of my music, because it can be depressing, angry, or too powerful for them to comprehend. Sometimes, even all the music I listen to is too powerful for me to comprehend, that I break down and cry from overwhelming emotion.
And that, that I love.
Tomorrow night I'll be staying up all the way till the next night, and that will be my first time staying up all night. :) Hehe~
Monday, June 3, 2013
Eight More Days Till I'm FREE
Augh! I'm dying! Going without music for a month SUCKS. I think that it's actually had the opposite effect of what I expected would happen! :O
What I was planning was to drop all of my music for a month. So far, so good.
My goal was to prove to myself that my music isn't an idol over God. I don't listen to really bad music, it's just that I say, "Music is my love// Music is the love of my life// I love music more than anything in the world// etc."
IT'S KILLING ME!! I feel less drawn towards God recently, and I think about music whenever I do some sort of activity which includes me listening to it! >:(]
I just can't wait to get off of this stupid fast.
...Just eight more days...
What I was planning was to drop all of my music for a month. So far, so good.
My goal was to prove to myself that my music isn't an idol over God. I don't listen to really bad music, it's just that I say, "Music is my love// Music is the love of my life// I love music more than anything in the world// etc."
IT'S KILLING ME!! I feel less drawn towards God recently, and I think about music whenever I do some sort of activity which includes me listening to it! >:(]
I just can't wait to get off of this stupid fast.
...Just eight more days...
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