I would literally kill myself if someone I knew found one of my three journals.
(Starred (*) and centered parts of writing are notes from right now.)
(Crossed out words/phrases are actually crossed out in the original.)
Page 1:
Page 2:
<3
Page 3:
March 10th
:#D I finally kissed Jared on the cheek. It was on the bus when I was just about to get off. I wonder how it made him feel. Mia probably showed a stupid video of me to Jared. >:(
Page 4:
March 14th 2010
I miss Jared... I wish he hadn't left early on Friday. But I'll see him tomorrow on Monday. Just watched 2012 today. <3
Page 5:
March 22 2010
Me and Jared are getting use to hugging and me kissing him on the cheek. Quartny hugged me and she smelt like candy! :3
Page 6:
April 7, 2010 <3
As we were separating for our buses, Me and Jared hugged and he kissed ME on the cheek! How exciting!
Page 7:
April 6th, 2010
Raymond said Happy Birthday to me on the bus; but I said it wasn't my BD. He told me to just put out my hand, so I did. ->
(Page 8:)
-> He gave me a piece of his leather/metal band case. It was small, but it made me laugh. Then he said "Look on the other side!" I looked. It was ->
(Page 9:)
-> garbage, but I kept it for memories. He always cracks me up with his personality.
Page 10:
April 13th 2010
I had a dream last night of me, Jared, and Kitty. I kissed Jared on the lips (in the dream!!!) and it was good.
Page 11:
April 19, 2010
Jared breaks up with me. I wanted to cry so much but I decided to take it like a man.
Page 12:
April 20, 2010
I think I like MJ now. He makes me laugh. Ethan made me fall ->
(Page 13:)
for him again. He rubbed my back. It felt good, but awkward.
<3
*My horrible boy troubles... It's worse than it seems. Really, me, really?!
LOL, I sound soooooo stupid.
Page 14:
April 29, 2010
Gannon and I started going out. It's really awkward having him as a bf, but yeah.
Page 15:
I think I should break up with Gannon, I don't feel any-thing for him. I defenetly still love Ethan. <3
Page 16:
ETHAN
Page 17:
2010 July 26
The employee fest wuz yesterday <3 I saw ethan, val, RJ, + Christina 0w0 Jordan impressed some pplz with card magic. 0m0 I think Jared still likes me or somefin',
(Page 18:)
July 26
I kept catching him lookin' at me. My mom even noticed. 0w0 2 bad I'm homeschooling Ti's' year <3
Page 19:
2010 Sept 1st
Sigh... another boring day another anime has come and gone in just 24 hours O^o ....
FOUND NEW WEBSITE!!! Looks promising. Explore Talent .com
Page 20:
2010 Sept 1st
School's almost here!! I must train my mind AND Body! ACTING'S ALMOST HERE TOO!!
life-long dreams may come true <3
Page 21:
I still like Jared <3
Sept 26, 2010
Ethan's an asshole
Page 22:
Sept 26, 2010
DUDE!! I totally drove from Baker Side Rd to my house today! I passed people, did turns! (blah blah blah) But Yeh!
Page 23:
2010 October 21
It's hailing and snowing and hailing and snowing! Right in the middle of 5hr, (Mr. Pett's History.) when all was silent, (we were working in the book.) Katie said: "It's snowing!". If only you could hear it! Oh, and the phone
(Page 24:)
rang twice in Miss Light's class and Mystique said: "Jesus!" (It made her jump both times!) LOL
Page 25:
2010 Oct. 21
Hey!! I found out: (A while back, too... Just didn't get around to writing it down!)
Gannon broke up with me before SUMMER! or so, he says. He never consulted to me about it at all, though.
(Page 26:)
Gosh! Worried 4 nothing! :) BTW, I do not like Jared. There is no one to like at boring Brimley High! :(
*Sigh*
Page 27:
Oct. 30, 2010
I had 2 dreams last night. The 1st one was about me trying to get Pinplup into a pokeball. But the other second I tried, the pokeball disappeared. blah blah blah
(Page 28:)
The second dream I had was at grandma's house, but I had my own child; and I was the same age as I were now. It was a girl. Really blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She
(Page 29:)
was at least 6. When some one asked me what her name was, I had to think. But because of how she looked, I named her Kyra. She was beautiful. But whenever she got mad, her irises changed gray (or silver).
(Page 30:)
I wish I could have the dream over and over again, just to see her face. But in the most part of my dream, she was a cat, and she looked like
(Page 31:)
Willie, and that's when I figured out her eyes changed when she was mad. I loved her. She was mine, my own. My own daughter. ^-^ -<3
Page 32:
November 29 2010
I was crying so hard last night, begging God for pregnancy. And then just in the morning, my period came. It was like a TOTAL slap in the face. I wanna be pregnat sooo bad. Ohy, and my period was 8 ->
(Backside of P.32:)
days early!
Page 33:
December 1st 2010
When we were coming home from Kuk Sool Won, dad slid on some ice and the car fish tailed. The car flipped and scraped another car and popped the tire. I wasn't wearing a seat belt, either. I was shooked ->
(Backside of P.33:)
up really badly.
*The car didn't flip... It just swerved all over the road. I also doodled the damage.
The car's bumber was taken off by that much, but it showed all ->(Page 34:)
of the inside of the car. I was mad that the bumper was made of foam and pethettic plastic.
December 1st 2010
(Backside of P.34:)
December 1st 2010
I forgot to write down about Thomas <3 He is REALLY cute~! I like him. He is a new 7th grader this year.
<3 Thomas! Skillz snail<3
Page 35:
Jan 8th 2011
I need someone to love that will love me. That's why I want to be pregnant. And the only good memories I will ever have of my childhood ->
(Backside of P.35:)
will be with grandma and Jo and Justin. I just need love that I can see and feel and sense.
Page 36:
Jan 12 2011
I like Thomas soooo much! But he will NoT tell me who he likes. But he gave me 2 hints so far. She's my friend, and she knows Thomas likes her. She's an 8th grader
(Backside of P.36:)
too. It could be me because he doesn't know who she likes. I wish I could make out with him. I can imagine the feel of it too. Give me luck!
-Alyssa <3
Page 37:
Jan 26 2011
Thomas doesn't like me. He likes Kitty. I don't care for him anymore.
My parents are fighting again. What bitches, huh? God please, please take me home.
Page 38:
March 22
I randomly got info of/from Thomas yesterday. He likes Malorie. Not like I care. I feel like me and RJ walk the same way. He's hott. Emily's Birthday!! She left a cupcake in RJ's locker. I told her she did things "old school". :D
Page 39:
March 23rd 2011
We played "Dare" on the bus today. RJ dared Ryan to play the "nervous game" across my chest. Twice. Ryan chickened out the first time, and he didn't do it the second time. RJ wanted to see some action before he left. People actually DO notice my breasts! ;|
Page 40:
March 26 2011
Mandy had her second baby yesterday. It's male. I think my mom said they named him Michael.
Another baby for the cats to be horrified, by, right?
Ha... spring break has officially started! RJ's hott.
Page 41:
April 23 2011
Tomorrow's Easter! Jesus is alive!
We're moving out on Tues. Night. The Furr's are helping us out! Trent's Hott!
Going to live at Steve W. house for 1 month. Moving to farm on June 1st. :=(
Page 42:
April 25th 2011
Isaiah will frickin fuckin go to stupid ass hell! I want him to die!
Page 43:
May 4th 2011
Got a cell phone yesterday! <3
Page 44:
May 11th 2011
I told Kitty my deep dark secret. I have schizophrenia, I told her that too.
14+ = early schiz
scored 21 & 27.
Page 45:
May 30th 2011
River (KB's bf) is on drugs. Hope She gets through this. Assyla comes out on Apple juice!! O=O watch out!
4 more days of school left! <3
Page 46:
June 26, 2011
O. M. G. !
Rock Lake in 4 days! <3
I hate Steve, Kitty "lylas" loves me. That makes me cry, I'm sooo happy! I want to run away.
Page 47:
July 21st 2011
I totally let Jo fondle me. It explains it in this note. But unfortunetly, Assyla got her say in things.
July 8th 2011 (date of note)
*I'm not going to post the note. It's highly innapropriate and embarassing.
Page 48:
July 22, 2011
yesterday I finally successfully put in a tampon. And it was the biggest type. Still want kids.
Page 49:
July 27th 2011
Had a dream with Jo+Justin... And Brenna! Mmm... Jo was sexy... ;) Some like Harvest Moon... And swam... Brenna threw me in and I spun all the way to the wall. Blanket on top of water, couldn't breathe..... Water was clear could see blanket on bottom. Both RED. ->
(Backside of P.49:)
July 26th 2011
-> Brenna also made fun of my breasts. "Cups" from her point of view. Ice cream time! Hate nuts in icecream.
Page 50:
August 13th 2011
We're FINALLY moving out of Steve's. What a bastard: he's in LOVE with me! Fuck him! I found his Journal about me. I hate him. He thinks I FLIRT with him!(Backside of P.50:)
I wish 2 men would rape him and then I'd bury him alive! Took pictures of the Journal and I'm typing it up. We're living by Thomas and Eva. Highschool begins soon. Going to try to seduce Josiah!
Page 51:
August 31st 2011
Ok, I'm at Rock Lake.
*The rest of this entry is inappropriate.
Page 52:
September 1st
I found out about Jo; _____________________ I want to kill him. ______________________________ He also video taped me undressing. Curiousity killed
(Backside of P.52:)
the cat. I want to die again. And the cat will go down when and if I do. I cried and talked to God, how could people be fanatics about him? I don't understand that feeling.
Pregnancy is wanted!
Joy: "I can read your mind like a kite!"
Page 53:
August 11, 2011 (supposed to be September)
I told Jared my secret... He still likes me. :#D He wants to talk with me more often in school<3! Jocelynn thinks I'm really pretty and cool. Anime: So Fing funny! Angel Beats! (Netflix) Ep.6?
Favourite Flavor <- ep. name --->
(Backside of P.53:)
August 11, 2011 (supposed to be September)
I think I'm becoming Bisexual. There's a girl in school who I think is gorgeous! (She actually is)! I'm drawing a comic that's called:
Bisexue Bises
in French/\
in stupid Enlish \/
Bisexual Kisses <3
Page 54:
Sept. 18th 2011
Ok, I never knew, but Regina is 17! That makes her even cuter. I am going out with Jared since the 14th.
Kawaii! He is sooo adorable! ___________________
(Backside of P.54:)
____________ We talked for over 3 hours - starting at 10:20pm or so.
Well, gotta clean up, my bf is coming over! ;D
Page 55:
September 26 2011
I should've wrote this down earlier. Ok, 2 weeks ago on saturday sunday, before Jared left, he grabbed me and kissed me. Ugh. It was disgusting. I was totally turned off. The following Thursday (night) I wrote him on FB that I wanted
(Backside of P.55:)
to break up. I truely did. I just want to be left alone inside my refuge and Solitude. So now, I'm obsessed with Regina. Uwaah~! Oh I think I AM bisexual! She makes me smile just to look at her. ^o^
Page 56:
Oct 2nd 2011
I am A LESBIAN! Yay? Yay! I don't know, I just feel happy about it overall... I don't think it's HOCD anymore. (Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
Page 57:
October 8th 2011
Canadian Thanks-Giving. Fucking steve came over. Had an hours' worth convo with Regina. Saved it on the computer.
<3 Kaitlyn Regina Girl from shop class <3
Page 58:
Oct 11th 2011
I thought Regina blocked me on FaceBook. Turns out she didn't! I adore her so...
I feel awkward around Kaitlyn. I want her to want me, but I get really nervous around her.
Page 59:
October 13th 2011
Girl from Shop (shop girl)'s name is: Elizabeth ______. She's hott.
Requested me on FB and <3's my hair. "fuckin cute". Love her!
BYE <3
Page 60:
October 22nd 2011
Dislike Regina so much now. See our Convos on FB computer.
Jorja from Shop is epicly cool. I think she's bi/les. I catch her lookin' at me often.
Love Liz <3
*Sadly, I forget why I "disliked" Regina. I deleted the document of our conversations.
Page 61:
Oct 23rd 2011
*Completely inappropriate.
Page 62:
October 29th
Jo said ____________ on facebook. He is really weird..... That will never happen. Garrett's last Halloween party today. Gonna get lots of candy on Monday, Hopefully! :P
Page 63:
11/1/11
fuck. I missed 11:11. But I saw it on my computer for at least 2 seconds, so let me have my wish. I want wish to become famous for my songs/poems. And have children.
Page 64:
11/11/11
1:11 AM
God knows what I wish for: I entrust him to fullfill at least one. Listening to "Swimming Home" by Evanesence <3
LOVE LIZ<3
Page 65:
11/11/11
11:11 pm <3
May I have children. May I be loved. May I be famous. Give me writing abilities. Actress. Producer.
Page 66:
11:50pm
December 1st 2011
Dude. Tryin' not ta be a Lez. Hate guys. I have "boyphobia:. Writing good poems 'n' stuff... At in MATH. :) Protesting ain't goin' ta college. I just ain't. Dreams are my refuge. <3
(Backside of P.66:)
Watched "Some Like it Hot" and "Fast + Furious" Vin Disel or somethin'... & The Rock
My BODI is my HAVEN of SOLITUDE
Page 67:
December 6th 2011 Tuesday
I've recently noticed... That I do not know who I am anymore.......
Breathe NO MORE EV<3
Page 68:
12/10/11
Ok...Last night, when I was in bed and sleepy... I heard voices speaking to me. Just random phrases, different voices; a man... a little girl, etc. And I swear, I can see faint scars on my legs...
(Backside of P.68:)
scars like writing... I can see "J"s... :(
My birth mark is mysterious! :]
2nd favourite band:
FlyLeaf
-Evanescence will always be first! <3
December 13th 2011
Written in pain
I'm so fucking scared... You have no idea. Oh, my God, why can't I start this life over? Dammit! I know I have an STD. For sure. Just that Idk what one... Not herpes... ->
(Backside of P.69:)
I wanna fix everything, God. I'm too overwhelmed...
How do I stop? How does this all stop? Oh, God, I need you, I know I do.
But what do I do? Nothing... I'm so fucking scared!
*Ok, I don't think I have an STD anymore. I was always paranoid about things about myself.
Like the schizophrenia.... seriously? I could possibly just have a split personality thing going on.
Anyway, I was talking about more than the STD thing in this entry.
Page 70:
December 23rd 2011
Tis the Christmas season! Wrote a Christmas poem. I read online that the Bible does not prohibit homosexuality, only the certain cultures at a time... I still don't feel 100% reassured, though. Had another lesbian dream... Going to figure out what my dreams are by an online website. It works, ya know? 0_0
*I don't get the homosexuality thing. Don't believe it, because I don't now.
(Backside of P.70:)
Dec. 24, 2011
Wow... growing low on pages... Gunna get a new actual notebook to continue this, eh? :)
Had ANOTHER Lesbian dream! Comes to a total of 3.
Remember previous dream about metal bridge/water/fear of shark(s)/dead body parts with blood at floor of water!
Page 71:
Jan 2 1nd 2011 (supposed to be January 1st 2012)
Hello. Yesterday my parents found out lesbianism by computer. Also read and scanned through Lesbos Bises. Assholes. School comes Tuesday. Happy New Year!
Resolution: work out fat ass.
Page 72:
Jan. 13th 2012
Friday the 13th. Yeah... New alternate: Ashley
Alternates:
Kyra, Assyla, Ashley.
I've just felt extremely depressed for a while now. Hate school, contact, reality, being awake, etc. Not enough sleep, I swear. :(
(Backside of P.72:)
-> Music is becoming boring for me currently. First snowday of the year and I woke up at 6:30am; Alarm set for 6:02am. Got ready 'n' everything, my poor hair and scalp... And the bus never came. I guess I'll write about Ashley later... Bed time... :)
Page 73:
Feb 9 2012
Happy Birthday, mom!
Watched a video:
Hell is Real!
And it is. I need to stop being so fucked up!
I need to become God's slave. I feel so overwhelmed with my life... ->
(Backside of P.73:)
I don't know what to do!!! I don't know what I want to be - and I certainly do NOT want to go to college. I want to be READY to DIE... And live forever with God Spiritually.
Assyla - you CANNOT tell me what to do! Leave me.
Page 74:
Feb 15th 2012
11:11pm <3
I hope to make it through this world with God's help until I can fully live my life freely. God has a plan for me, and I have NO idea what it is, yet. I am NOT interested in college.
Page 75:
March 8th 2012
...I've started to read the Bible daily. But I'd rather cut myself instead. I don't, but I still cut myself and read the Bible. Cutting is like a need, now! Like food... Because of my emotions. ->
(Backside of P.75:)
-> So I feel like I'm destroying 'God's creation' When I do it. I apologize, but it's never enough. I think my kitchen-knife-self-inflicted-scratches-scabs and marks are beautiful. -->
(Page 76:)
March 8th 2012
-> I started a few weeks ago. Lemon juice intensifies, water is to improvise.
Me + Piks writing book called: "Friends Love Secrets"
I need to "breathe"today, in hope of love tomorrow. Paramore
Page 77:
March 19th 2012
It's like SUMMER! Snow still, but no leaves. :) I'm in driver's ed! I'm driving next week during spring break! 2012... God is prob. givin' us an early spring+summer so yeah.... We can be called up home? :P
Page 78:
March 20 2012
Ok. I took an art-purposed razor (<not razor, sharp object/tool) from Art Class. Now when I cut myself, I get a bit - horny??:(? I have to scrap with it multiple times to get actual blood to come through. >=<
Page 79:
March 24 2012
The first words I wrote on my arm (with blood easing out) were:
"I DiE DAiLY"
and (a few weeks later,) a heart:
/|\/|\
\|/
I am sure there are many words written unintentionally in a scratch basis, too...
Page 80:
April 3rd, 2012
For Cassie ______:
Thine eyes spew out the purest water, which is reflected as blue as the summer skies. Thine lips symbolize the prettiest pink lily, which grows among thorns and thistles. Your hair is tainted, yet it is still beautiful and straight.
Haha. Cassie ______ accused 2 7th grader boys of saying that I ->
(Backside of P.80:)
am sexy. Kukuku... I thought she was pretty much implying she thought I was! 1/1,000,000 chance, though. I said what happened was weird on the bus to her. I said I was scared, too because I don't like boys.
Instantly she asked if I liked girls. I shrugged. She asked if I think boys are cute. No!
Girls? Yeah, sometimes. ->
(Page 81:)
April 3rd, 2012
What I thought: 'All the time!' haha...
^-^ Cassie is eye candy with a hint of innocent tang to me. -.-=3 Sigh...
Rapture, Heaven!
SOON!
Bedtime... :D :| zzz Zzzz... <3
Page 82:
April 22 2012
Sarah ____'s bd on the 20th. Gonna get driver's permit soon. Hope to homeschool next year. Hate boys, as per usual. 30 days of school left. And when I think about it, I don't even ->
(Backside of P.82:)
know who I am. Never did.
Wer Bin Ich?
(Song by LaFee) <3
Page 83:
April 23rd 2012
It seems I've written for this date before... Ah, the last page. Oh boy. I'll need to find a replacement for journalism to continue.
Just had a great cry. Wrote: "Cold Tear Dew" on my forearm. :)
-------------->
(Backside of P.83:)
-> Used my special pen for the last page. I appreciate that anyone is interested enough in my life to read about it. Read my poems, too.
______________________________________
Finally! That took me THREE FREAKING HOURS!!!
If I start something I just have to get it done. T-T My back hurts, my elbows hurt, I'm starving, and I need to peeeee. Waaahhh! Maybe this was a huge waste of time... oh well.
I shall sleep in and diiiieeee!
And then kill my eyes editing my book.
_____________________
I will not explain anything or anybody. But I think it's absolutely safe to say I'm a different person than... what this post says about me.
If you found entertainment in this, cool.
Though I don't think I'll post anything like this again. :P
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