My mother telling me off about irritation while she's the one who's extremely, unnecessarily pissed...
Secretly crying my face off, but sucking it up because we were going to church...
My mother demanding we all let the morning go and promise to have good attitudes for the rest of the day...
My brothers fighting about stupid things...
My mother telling me off about being irritated while she's texting and driving all over the road...
Fighting with myself in church about stupid beautiful people...
Going to the store to buy groceries and wanting to crawl under a rock and cry my face off...
My mother telling me to do the dishes before I go outside to sit in the sun...
Virtually begging her to go to work already...
The kitchen being left super messy when my grandparents are coming over...
Cleaning it up; my grandparents coming too soon so I can't relax...
Getting lectured by my grandfather about the world and Christianity...
Being sad all over again because THE SUN IS HIDING BEHIND CLOUDS...
Finally escaping my grandparents and editing my book...
Feeling like even that's not enough to make me happy...
Wanting to sleep...
You're thinking, "What kind of horrible life is that!?"
I'm thinking, "That's not the half of it."
---------------------------------------------
I ask my mom, "Please just, stop singing."
She gets all mad. "You know what? You've been irritated all morning and I'm sick of it! Have a good attitude already! ...Please, have a good attitude."
"'Please' doesn't make it alright." SHE was obviously irritated all morning. I was happy BEFORE you made me all upset! Attitudes spread and I sure as hell didn't have this when I woke up!
"I'm just sick! You're always negative to me!!"
W.... T.... H.... so not true. Pessimist.
I was getting breakfast since I was starving to death, so I grabbed a banana and just walked to my room, then angrily locked the door. I peeled the banana, but started to cry.
Every bite I cried even harder.
It was like I wanted to stab the horrible pain in my chest with a knife over and over again.
I even dared to think "I want to go back to dad's"... (We're staying at our moms for the weekend.)
So I finished eating the banana and stopped crying on purpose (when I could've chosen to cry for eternity-- I love crying). We were going to church, and my makeup was done nicer than usual because we were taking directory pictures.
I took out the chef knife I'd been hiding under my bed... and just made one slow, single cut on my forearm.
It didn't bleed right away, so I stretched the wound.
After that, I waited for my face to unblush (it gets SUPER blotchy when I cry).
Then, I went to the bathroom and got the lemon I was using for my hair yesterday. I dripped a few pure drops of lemon onto the cut... and it stung.
I flexed my forearm to make it seem like that was lessening the beautiful pain.
GLAD to be in the car listening to my music, which I am so romantically in love with, we made about five minutes when my brother had to snap for my attention.
My mother and I mildly quarreled about her having to repeat everything she said.
"Let's leave the morning behind us and have good attitudes the rest of the day. Are you going to smile for the picture?" Why would I want people to know we aren't happy? Duuuuh!
My brothers fought about the younger leaving a 10$ bill in the basement, going to bed, then not being able to find it the next day, and blaming the older for stealing it... You're the irresponsible one! If you don't wanna lose things, stop leaving them around the house!!!
When we get to town, my mother is all of a sudden texting and driving. Here I am fearing for my life, "Mom, why are you texting?"
"Oh, shut up! Stop being so irritated."
WTF WTF WTF
So we get to church and stuff... take the happy go lucky picture... go around town a bit to see our new lot...
Drive by the high school I'm going to for my Junior year...
Crap, am I actually getting nervous about this?
Ever since I re-wrote my first journal onto here, I feel like I'm falling back into my depressive state. Did bringing up some of the past get to me??
I REMEMBER BEING HAPPY INSIDE AND EATING HEALTHY!!
Now the church service begins, but it's not until after the worship team lets the preacher take over when I notice a beautiful brunette in the second column of pews.
The first time I actually saw her was Resurrection Sunday, and she was one of the speakers.
I caught her glance at me a few times that day, and it made me nervous.
She was pretty, and she smiled.
But why!? I hate myself SO much! I KNOW I'm not gay and I truly refuse to ever be that way!
I'm God's child, I want to be God's child! When did this hunger cease? These past few days are really doing something to me. Is living with my mom doing it? The negative atmosphere, the undisciplined people inside the kids being released?
Augh! It seems like I've let go a little---- and I don't want to!!!!!!!!!!
No, no... I know the answer. I knew the answer. Beautiful people are stupid because they make you attracted to them without doing anything.
Why can't we all just be ugly and love each other?
Or why can't we all just be beautiful and don't care about appearances?
I know that's asking too much.
THE REAL ANSWER IS: Yes, beautiful people are attractive. Just because you are in awe with their appearance (whether they're the same gender or not), it doesn't mean you 'like like' them.
The reason for the grocery store thing... I wanted to run away because my family is all over the place, buying bagels and white-bread, pastas and chips, artificially-flavoured yogurt, three freaking boxes of cereal, ice-cream...
I FUCKING WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
Temptation is so hard, why can't they understand it!?
"Oh, it's for the boys, not for you!"
"Just don't eat it."
"Aren't you going to regret that?"
I had tears in the store because they were actually daring to put it in the cart.
I work so hard... so so hard...
I can't let my eating habits go. If they get bad enough, I KNOW I'll go bulimic.
I want to live alone and freely so bad.
I totally don't mind my grandfather lecturing me about the world and Christianity. I mean, I'm glad to hear it! But he can tend to take a while... ^_^U
The weather... Grrr, it was all sunshine this morning! But it's light-grey and cold out now... :/
So I edit the rest of one chapter of my book... and I get it done... I read a chapter of a different book, (("One For All" written by ScottT30)), and it's fun! But after it all, I just... wanna sleep...
Am I depressed again?
Although I am romantically in love with depression... I want to turn away from it.
I guess it's like one of those stories where the girl falls in love with the guy she hates/can't have.
No comments:
Post a Comment